Fear of Failure

Friday… there’s a salu-salo c/o toss to jabanero a celeb for the good performance of MT (for short time only), that’s why i came home with kinda light feeling and had the chance to do the lakwatsa thing to my bf’s place. 

Saturday… (dawn) my phone beeps .."7 hrs downtime..etc." gotta rush opening my laptop to see what has happened last night… spyger says 2 machines down.. AGAIN?! huh! No roaming phone around, but i need to call the line… the phone is being used by my bf’s mom, damn it! need to use my load… and it started to ruin my SUPPOSEDLY nice planned weekend. 

Saturday, still…(just a start of the day for everybody…and not for me), everyone’s rushing to get prepared for the big day of my bf’s dad.  All are busy… and guess where to find me? yah right! i’m still hooked at my laptop, working.  All are dressed up, guests came along… me still not dressed for the occasion, and seemed to have no plan to go out… My bf seems nagtatampo na, but still gave me 2 bbq sticks for breakfast and said nothing, it means i gotta move now… took a bath, get dressed and go out… A huge crowd surprised me…eating, laughing and talking… i realized.. what hell i was doing with my life?!? i’m missing lots of fun for every minute i’m in front of my laptop.  So, i intentionally forgot work for a while…  Now thinking which yum yum dishes to choose, decided to get the beef & mushroom, brocolli in butter and little rice, sat down w/ fritz and ate julie on a round table, made some chat and afterwards work striked me again.  Hay buhay talaga… my phone just can’t shut off… balik sa kwarto and ganun ulet. I wasn’t able to attend hero tv’s anniv that day, wala ng time… hinatid me sa haus and ganun ulet…

Sunday… woke up 4am, didn’t know what time exactly will the shuttle pick employees up during sundays.  So, nagmadali talaga ako, i even forgot to put lotion and forgot to put my pads on my bag. Arrived at pick up point quater to 5am (15 minutes earlier than the usual days i am waiting for shuttle), i was the only one wating for the bus, talked to manang and told me "ndi pa nadaan ung bus, ineng", she offered me a seat… i noticed, maliwanag na, still no bus… checked the time and it was already 6am.  Decided to take the cab, also no bus at magallanes.  No other choice but to take the public bus and had a safe trip…SHHHH! my bf doesn’t know, patay ako dun pagnalaman nya… .  Arrived at intel at around 8 - 8:30am.  Ate breakfast (peanut butter sandwich and ovaltine wlang chuckie eh), started to work.  So far, during my stay there, all machines are running smoothly.  We all waited for the result of Pacquiao-Morales boxing match, had chat with virtual friends on IM, had time to be friends with team 2, and they’re all fun to be with.  

Had my sundo at 5pm… so EXCITED to go to the Anime Exhibit of Hero TV’s anniversary.  Arrived at world trade at around 6:30pm… sobrang nakakainis talaga, the gates are closed… the guards need to stop admission, sobrang dami na daw tao sa loob.  Called our friend edz (anime addict and member of hero), she tried to make us pass the security yet unsuccessful.  i really prepared for the event to buy some collectible items… planned to buy some doreimon stuffs to give Mike a token before leaving intel pero kahit nga si sailormoon at si naruto di ko nakita, huhuhu! pampalubag loob, nakakuha pa rin ako ng dambuhalang paper bag na naglalaman ng mga posters, cds and stickers.  Umalis kami na luhaan (ako lang pala), decided to go to MOA to meet sisters of my bf doing shoping galore… grabe, i forgot my inis to my anime thing when we went to toy kingdom seeing lifesized tigger, mickey, barbie and everything. wow tlaga, para akong batang tuwang-tuwa sa nakita ko, nanlaki mga mata ko, parang first time makakita ng mga toys, didn’t care sa mga tumitingin but i really took pictures, gusto ko ulet bumalik dun! is this the effect of not going to the mall for over a month?, hehehe! (just see my crazy pictures),   also had nice food trip at the guilly’s island and went home… on the way home my bf decided to have his haircut, grabe tlaga! mahigit 1 hour kami naghintay para magupitan ng konting buhok ang aking boyfriend…so i took a nap dun sa couch ng salon while waiting for his turn.

Arrived home at around 11pm.  i’m already so tired and sleepy,  didn’t want to open my laptop but had no choice.  Again, huge downtime na naman naabutan ko… d na din ako nakatulog kakatutok sa mga down machines. I fell asleep while my laptop was open mga around 3am na yata.

4AM, Monday… a call from the sup woke me up, still due to downtime… i’m going crazy na talga… called my Pythos sup to do something to help the night shift… Help came, but was able to stabilize during the next shift. Monitor until lunch time.. I’m really tired, turned-off my laptop and had an extra-ordinary long sleep.  And here I am again, balik sa dati…

i’m relieved…never had so many comments like this before, replies to my blog, taps on my shoulder, email and IM … nakakagaan ng pakiramdam, to know that there are friends who are really concerned and are willing to help.  well, natauhan na din ako… hindi ako nag-iisa, work lang to! this should not be a very big deal… i should not let work take off my "used to" life… i now realized that life is not really bitter on me, in fact, i’m still lucky that i’m into this situation as early as now, and these are only challenges to make me stronger and better…

"sometimes learning is really painful" …. i agree!

…accept the fact, ignore all the hard words, work with pride…damn, it’s hard! I’m now into the reality which i can see the beginning of a very big change in my life…

1. no time for myself
2. no time for my family
3. no much time for my bf
4. All dates, gimmicks, lakwatsa… cancelled!
5. can’t visit my ortho which is supposedly every week
6. can’t even visit the mall
7. No movies for more than 1 month  already
8. can’t buy new clothes, slippers
9. working till 12-1am, wake up at 4am
10. still working during weekends

Above are just for my self… what i am being guilty more is its impact to other people.

1. all indicators down
2. other people’s activities are delayed
3. some need to work during weekends
4. worst is on shifting schedule.

It would be fine for me to work during weekends but for others who are also forced to do it, it’s a slap to my face, knowing that because of me being a failure, i can ruin the lives of others.  Looking at the bright side, help is everywhere… they have no other choice though! … people starting to get pissed of me, they can’t just directly tell me, yet i can clearly see…

…starting to feel not good on everything, but smiles can still hide it… i have no right to feel this way but can’t really understand why life is so bitter on me…:(

"This mirrors an open door I can barely stand to see myself I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m crying out for help, Ohh lord…much has been said, will I never learn, keeping my fingers crossed, praying for my luck to turn…But I can’t complain, i’m going Crazy….."

…  i’m starting to lose hope, i wanna give up…

praying to make me feel better, smiling to ease up the stress

… don’t know what to do now, starting to pity myself…

my life is changing, pressure is everywhere

…starts from the color of the blood, ends up in pink…

counting from single second, last up to hours…it’s killing me!

…need drastic change, but don’t know how to begin…

Lord God, i need you now… tears are falling from my eyes

enlighten my path, show me the bright lights

give me strength, give me hope… give me anything you own

…to survive from this nightmare and go back to my real dream…

yet still don’t know how….WHERE DO I BEGIN?……………………..