While I was writing to the starbucks card, my present for my babyheav, last 6pm when i got home from work… i was not able to think of other words to write… decided to browse the net, and found this very inspiring verse, first time i heard this verse was in the movie "A walk to remember", Mandy Moore let Shane West read these lines in the Bible.  here it is:

“Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offense, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people’s sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.”

… I remember myself crying several times for this movie…i was so touched then, wherein almost all of the scenes here really striked my heart.  Reality bite, this famous verse can be an inspiration to all… those who are always jealous are those who have no trust to his/her partners.  It says there that love takes no offense and in not resentful… so you should not be always mad nor irritable, you should not involve others in your insecurities… Tip lang ha… baka lalo kang lokohin nyan kung sa wala pa ngang ginagawa ang tao, ganyan na ugali mo (bato-bato sa langit ang tamaan, sya ung guilty)…

…back to my story, i just put the quote into the card, and then marami na kong nasulat.. my promises, my love, my hope, my plans/our plans together (sekretong malupet lahat mga yan), of course I thank him for loving me this much, for the trust for the past 5 years and 9 months… basta madami. 

Ipagsisigawan ko ngaun din kung gano kita ka-Love… hehehehe! bulgar ba masyado.. basta, it is important to show your feelings, wag maging plastic… wlang masama magsabi ng I LOVE YOU!

****" H A P P Y   H E A R T S   D A Y " and I love you sa lahat… flirt ba? mmuuuaaaahhhh!

ilang taon na din ang lumipas nung nauso ung kantang "with a smile"ng eraserheads … i just knew the song pero never ko na-appreciate kung gano kaganda ung lyrics until nung friday, when we were doing the karaoke thing… parang nag slow-mo ung kanta habang hinihimay ko ung message ng song… parang WOW! magic sing… hehehe! parang, sarap lang sabihin sayo ung mga ganitong bagay.  Iba lang naging feeling ko, after the so tamad na tamad na feeling mula pa nung thursday… i just thought of the hard days last year and naisip ko na I can get through all the odds because of those people around me.  just wanna say thank you guys… you all have a place in my heart.

Lift your head, baby, don’t be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You’ll get by with a smile
You can’t win at everything but you can try.

Baby, you don’t have to worry
‘Coz there ain’t no need to hurry
No one ever said that there’s an easy way
When they’re closing all their doors
And they don’t want you anymore
This sounds funny but I’ll say it anyway.

Girl I’ll stay through the bad times
Even if I have to fetch you everyday
I’ll get by if you smile
You can never be too happy in this life.

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It’s a wonder love can make the world go round
And don’t let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song.

(Too doo doo…)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo…)

In a world where everybody
Hates a happy ending story
It’s a wonder love can make the world go round
But don’t let it bring you down
And turn your face into a frown
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song.

Lift your head, baby, don’t be scared
Of the things that could go wrong along the way
You’ll get by with a smile
Now it’s time to kiss away those tears goodbye

(Too doo doo…)
Let me hear you sing it
(Too doo doo

hahaha! nahimamasan na kami… kaya bawi ko na na unforgotten friends ko blog… nagdrama lang ng konti… charing! miss yah all guys! muah!

…i was looking at the pictures  of one of our old friend’s wedding, complete attendance ang mga friends w/ matching barong to the guys and formal outfits for the girls… you know what really hurts me? we are not invited… kahit sana wla ng invitation, kahit sana pasabe nlng, may nakaalala man lang kahit sana isa sa kanila… well, i was feeling this feeling for quite long time na, that me and my boyfriend do not belong na to their circle of friends.  The old moments that we thought we will never be apart no matter what… biglang nawala. Same scenario when we accidentally saw them waiting for the other tropa sa gateway cubao for a get together sa isang haus ng aming friend that we usually pinagdadausan ng mga get together before, so parang napasabit (what a term?!) lang kami at napilitan na isama nlng kmi. sobrang excited akong makasama ulet sila but that night really not turned out the way i was expecting it to happen, may isang old friend na masakit magsalita, sana sinabe nlng na diretso that they don’t want us to be there… as in OP talaga, medyo ok pa ung hindi ka-blockmate kinakausap kami, parang strangers kami sa tropa, i cried tlaga pero d ko pinakita so nagyaya nlng akong umuwi agad … i really don’t know what we did wrong to them, i don’t know where the gap began, nakakaiyak isipin na kami ay forgotten friends… i miss the old days … so ngaun, parang talgang d na kmi mag-eexpect na ma-invite kami sa mga lakad nila para naman d nakakasama ng loob… kung maalala kami pasalamat nlng.. baka kasi lumabas na pinagsisiksikan namin sarili namin sa kanila then ayaw na din talaga kaming makasama…

don’t worry…  all important events in my life especially in my wedding, invited parin kayo lahat… d ko kayo syempre makakalimutan…

Friday… there’s a salu-salo c/o toss to jabanero a celeb for the good performance of MT (for short time only), that’s why i came home with kinda light feeling and had the chance to do the lakwatsa thing to my bf’s place. 

Saturday… (dawn) my phone beeps .."7 hrs downtime..etc." gotta rush opening my laptop to see what has happened last night… spyger says 2 machines down.. AGAIN?! huh! No roaming phone around, but i need to call the line… the phone is being used by my bf’s mom, damn it! need to use my load… and it started to ruin my SUPPOSEDLY nice planned weekend. 

Saturday, still…(just a start of the day for everybody…and not for me), everyone’s rushing to get prepared for the big day of my bf’s dad.  All are busy… and guess where to find me? yah right! i’m still hooked at my laptop, working.  All are dressed up, guests came along… me still not dressed for the occasion, and seemed to have no plan to go out… My bf seems nagtatampo na, but still gave me 2 bbq sticks for breakfast and said nothing, it means i gotta move now… took a bath, get dressed and go out… A huge crowd surprised me…eating, laughing and talking… i realized.. what hell i was doing with my life?!? i’m missing lots of fun for every minute i’m in front of my laptop.  So, i intentionally forgot work for a while…  Now thinking which yum yum dishes to choose, decided to get the beef & mushroom, brocolli in butter and little rice, sat down w/ fritz and ate julie on a round table, made some chat and afterwards work striked me again.  Hay buhay talaga… my phone just can’t shut off… balik sa kwarto and ganun ulet. I wasn’t able to attend hero tv’s anniv that day, wala ng time… hinatid me sa haus and ganun ulet…

Sunday… woke up 4am, didn’t know what time exactly will the shuttle pick employees up during sundays.  So, nagmadali talaga ako, i even forgot to put lotion and forgot to put my pads on my bag. Arrived at pick up point quater to 5am (15 minutes earlier than the usual days i am waiting for shuttle), i was the only one wating for the bus, talked to manang and told me "ndi pa nadaan ung bus, ineng", she offered me a seat… i noticed, maliwanag na, still no bus… checked the time and it was already 6am.  Decided to take the cab, also no bus at magallanes.  No other choice but to take the public bus and had a safe trip…SHHHH! my bf doesn’t know, patay ako dun pagnalaman nya… .  Arrived at intel at around 8 - 8:30am.  Ate breakfast (peanut butter sandwich and ovaltine wlang chuckie eh), started to work.  So far, during my stay there, all machines are running smoothly.  We all waited for the result of Pacquiao-Morales boxing match, had chat with virtual friends on IM, had time to be friends with team 2, and they’re all fun to be with.  

Had my sundo at 5pm… so EXCITED to go to the Anime Exhibit of Hero TV’s anniversary.  Arrived at world trade at around 6:30pm… sobrang nakakainis talaga, the gates are closed… the guards need to stop admission, sobrang dami na daw tao sa loob.  Called our friend edz (anime addict and member of hero), she tried to make us pass the security yet unsuccessful.  i really prepared for the event to buy some collectible items… planned to buy some doreimon stuffs to give Mike a token before leaving intel pero kahit nga si sailormoon at si naruto di ko nakita, huhuhu! pampalubag loob, nakakuha pa rin ako ng dambuhalang paper bag na naglalaman ng mga posters, cds and stickers.  Umalis kami na luhaan (ako lang pala), decided to go to MOA to meet sisters of my bf doing shoping galore… grabe, i forgot my inis to my anime thing when we went to toy kingdom seeing lifesized tigger, mickey, barbie and everything. wow tlaga, para akong batang tuwang-tuwa sa nakita ko, nanlaki mga mata ko, parang first time makakita ng mga toys, didn’t care sa mga tumitingin but i really took pictures, gusto ko ulet bumalik dun! is this the effect of not going to the mall for over a month?, hehehe! (just see my crazy pictures),   also had nice food trip at the guilly’s island and went home… on the way home my bf decided to have his haircut, grabe tlaga! mahigit 1 hour kami naghintay para magupitan ng konting buhok ang aking boyfriend…so i took a nap dun sa couch ng salon while waiting for his turn.

Arrived home at around 11pm.  i’m already so tired and sleepy,  didn’t want to open my laptop but had no choice.  Again, huge downtime na naman naabutan ko… d na din ako nakatulog kakatutok sa mga down machines. I fell asleep while my laptop was open mga around 3am na yata.

4AM, Monday… a call from the sup woke me up, still due to downtime… i’m going crazy na talga… called my Pythos sup to do something to help the night shift… Help came, but was able to stabilize during the next shift. Monitor until lunch time.. I’m really tired, turned-off my laptop and had an extra-ordinary long sleep.  And here I am again, balik sa dati…

i’m relieved…never had so many comments like this before, replies to my blog, taps on my shoulder, email and IM … nakakagaan ng pakiramdam, to know that there are friends who are really concerned and are willing to help.  well, natauhan na din ako… hindi ako nag-iisa, work lang to! this should not be a very big deal… i should not let work take off my "used to" life… i now realized that life is not really bitter on me, in fact, i’m still lucky that i’m into this situation as early as now, and these are only challenges to make me stronger and better…

"sometimes learning is really painful" …. i agree!

…accept the fact, ignore all the hard words, work with pride…damn, it’s hard! I’m now into the reality which i can see the beginning of a very big change in my life…

1. no time for myself
2. no time for my family
3. no much time for my bf
4. All dates, gimmicks, lakwatsa… cancelled!
5. can’t visit my ortho which is supposedly every week
6. can’t even visit the mall
7. No movies for more than 1 month  already
8. can’t buy new clothes, slippers
9. working till 12-1am, wake up at 4am
10. still working during weekends

Above are just for my self… what i am being guilty more is its impact to other people.

1. all indicators down
2. other people’s activities are delayed
3. some need to work during weekends
4. worst is on shifting schedule.

It would be fine for me to work during weekends but for others who are also forced to do it, it’s a slap to my face, knowing that because of me being a failure, i can ruin the lives of others.  Looking at the bright side, help is everywhere… they have no other choice though! … people starting to get pissed of me, they can’t just directly tell me, yet i can clearly see…

…starting to feel not good on everything, but smiles can still hide it… i have no right to feel this way but can’t really understand why life is so bitter on me…:(

"This mirrors an open door I can barely stand to see myself I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m crying out for help, Ohh lord…much has been said, will I never learn, keeping my fingers crossed, praying for my luck to turn…But I can’t complain, i’m going Crazy….."

…  i’m starting to lose hope, i wanna give up…

praying to make me feel better, smiling to ease up the stress

… don’t know what to do now, starting to pity myself…

my life is changing, pressure is everywhere

…starts from the color of the blood, ends up in pink…

counting from single second, last up to hours…it’s killing me!

…need drastic change, but don’t know how to begin…

Lord God, i need you now… tears are falling from my eyes

enlighten my path, show me the bright lights

give me strength, give me hope… give me anything you own

…to survive from this nightmare and go back to my real dream…

yet still don’t know how….WHERE DO I BEGIN?……………………..

Artist: Utada Hikaru
Song: First Love … soundtrack to Fushigi Yuugi

Saigo no kisu wa ka ba tabako no flavor ga shita
our last kiss carried..the flavor of tobacco
Nigakute setsunai kaori
it was bitter and cruel smell

Ashita no imagoro ni wa
about this time tomorrow..
Anata wa doko ni irun darou
I wonder where will you be?
Dare wo omotterun darou
Who will you be thinking off?

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
even if i fall in love with someone else someday
I’ll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love love songu
now i still sing a sad love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
until i can sing a new song

Tachidomaru jikan ga
the moment in time that stood still…
Ugoki dasouto shiteru
seems to be trying to move…
Wasuretakunai kotobakari
But i don’t want to forget anything

Ashita no imagoro niwa
about this time tomorrow…
Watashi wa kitto naite iru
i will definitely be crying
Anatawo omotterun darou
who will you be thinking of?

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
because there is always a place for just you
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love love song
now i still sing a sad love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made
until i can sing a new song..

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka darekato mata koi ni ochitemo
even if i fall in love with someone else someday
I’ll remember to love you taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love love song
until i can sing a new song
Now and forever

//beautiful songs by our own OPM artist

Know i havent slept a week at all Since you’ve been gone

And my eyes are kinda tired From crying all night long

Know i’ve never been too good at cooking just for one

It’s so lonely here without you darling Come back home ’cause i’m half crazy

Feelin’ sorry for myself Half crazy Worried you’d find someone else to love

Know life hasnt been much fun at all Since you’ve been gone

And my eyes being to feel Each time i hear a sound

I spent every minute asking myself What went wrong

Can’t we try to talk it over baby Come back home

’cause i’m half crazy Feelin’ sorry for myself

Half crazy Worried you’d find someone else to love But baby there is no-one else

Half crazy For everything you saying

Half crazy No one else could love you like i do